told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
True freaking story!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Don’t tell me what to do
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one