Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
thinking about a very short hotdog
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky