Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
@funTweeters
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired