I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??