Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.