Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?