The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM