The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”