My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.