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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Oh, I bet you would be
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them