Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
You Might Also Like
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Good advice.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Name another movie that mislead you?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it