good let them take over I have had enough
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks