[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You Might Also Like
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
How do you milk an almond?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
never ask a starfish for directions
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.