I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My neck my back my allergy attack