Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.