[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
PLEASE READ
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.