Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
lol
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.