An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
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got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
it’s the silliest best thing
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Breaking news:
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you