How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
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@ candidates for local office
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Bed should get ready for ME
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.