Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My flabber has been gasted.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing