A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”