the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
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Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..