Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Erm…
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.