*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You Might Also Like
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
my first dose meeting my second
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.