If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet