God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
True statement👍😏😁
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I feel attacked.