I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
accurate
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different