Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“No way.” -Jose
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E