Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
(yawn)
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
How to make infinite energy.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”