I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
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Hamburger Hinderer.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I have two kinds of followers
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Made something I’m not proud of
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?