One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.