Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
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You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Not helping
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.