I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
(Musicians.)
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
oh my god
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.