Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.