[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.