[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*