(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
wtf management?!
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend