INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
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[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.