If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime