Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?