Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
One venti cheeseburger please.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.