BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
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