ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
#Caturday
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?