somebody come look at this
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Has science gone too far?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.