I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone