[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
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everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*