kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
the clam before the storm
This one’s “Alex”.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.