Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday