I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.