medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.